Let’s be honest here, Thanksgiving isn’t just football and food comas. More often than not, your attention is focused more on biting your tongue while your crazy aunt whatever-her-name-is goes on one of her predictable political agenda rant, or while your senile grandmother continually asks you where your non-existent girlfriend is. Well, that my friend is exactly why we’re going to help guide you into a blissful, Turkey Day drunken stupor. Because what other way is there really to cope with forceful family time than your old friend Jack? And possibly some benzodiazepines along the way but shh, let’s not tell your mother that.
An overly-excited Mom makes you get out of bed — family is on their way over! We advise showering and at least making an effort into looking presentable. Its what Ron Swanson would want, right? Get down to the bathroom and down some of that mouthwash while you’re there. Most bad breath starts down in your stomach, so you’ll probably want to swallow a little (or a lot) of that mouthwash. You know, because reasons.
You still have a full hour until football starts, so you might as well help your Mother in the kitchen. Offer to help with anything, but before she answers make a brisk scamper over to the whiskey-glazed sweet potatoes. While she’s rambling on about the do’s and don’ts of today, down a bit of that warm and boozy goodness for yourself. Thats right, sweet potatoes you don’t get to be the only thing that’s nestled in a cradle of whiskey around here.
Everyone is well into football and your well into your first “recognized” beer. As the Bears give away the lead for good, show your family that you’ve (mostly) got your shit together by pacing yourself with a glass of water in between. Sorry, did we say ginger ale? We meant “soda water.” Wait, oops, did we say “‘soda water?'” We mean straight vodka, sans soda water. We won’t tell if you won’t.
Look at you! You’ve made it all the way to dinner and you’re (maybe, we’ll give you the BOTD here) not even slurring. You’ve even bragged about the job interviews that you’ve been thinking about starting to apply to go on sometime in the future. You’ve really earned that sip from the mini Fireball bottles that you’ve hidden in Grandma’s pearl clutch that you so conveniently tucked in your waistband. And they said engineering wasn’t a useful degree, psssh, peasants.
An easy way to escape the glaring scrutiny of family time is to get dragged away by the little nephews and nieces. Hey, at least you look like the cool uncle, but in reality, you’re using the little snot dribblers as a distraction while sipping some of that aged brandy from a sippy cup. You may have some hesitation about using the kiddos to cover your drinking today, but that would imply that you have some self-respect left, and since you’re reading this, we’ll assume that’s a non-issue.
What a good little helper you are, offering to help clear the table! You’re so good at it too, whisking away those wine glasses before anyone can even protest. Is it really going to hurt anything (besides your liver) if you empty all of these into the cranberry sauce bowl and cheers Tupac? Nah, we didn’t think so, you little innovator.
You sneak back into the kitchen before dessert. You could pop a spoonful of those whiskey-glazed sweet potatoes, but you have more dignity than that, right? Ok, well maybe just a tiny sample. While you’re in there, might as well prepare the coffee too. Hey, ever notice that Guinness looks a whole lot like coffee? We did too.
Congratulations, you’ve made it through Thanksgiving with minimal resentment (thanks to your maximum alcohol consumption). Time to meet your friends from college who are in town for the holidays at the bar. Just don’t drive there. Come to think of it, don’t even walk. Unless it’s to your bed, which is where you should be headed.